Let’s be honest, Sheffield is scary enough…
We’ve actual psychopaths running loose on the streets, still talking about holes in roads and painting with relish; yes, painting, with relish. I mean, I love Henderson’s as much as the next bloke, but if painting with relish isn’t the nearest thing we’ll get to a Sheffield Hannibal Lector I don’t know what is.
Anyway, in a very weak attempt to generate some traffic to my site I thought I’d offer up an alternative guide to all things scary in Sheffield this Halloween, after all, the normal stuff has all been done to death. If you’re after a proper guide, might I recommend looking on Welcome To Sheffield? Obviously, don’t go there straight away, at least click around my site a little bit, otherwise I’ll be buggered with Google rankings; cheers.
Read on if you’re into genuinely scary stuff, Sheffield and utter rambling nonsense. Oh and if you think I’m one of those cheap, tacky writers that will tie in Halloween by using overplayed puns like ‘spooktacular’ you’re god damn right.
Incidentally, if you like what you read, feel free to share, it helps me jump up the searches in GOOOooooOOOoogle. <See
So, here’s some pretty cheap and absolutely ‘terrifying’ things to do in Sheffield this Halloween:
The Zombie Apocalypse: Morrison’s (Ecclesfield)
Ever tried ‘nipping’ around Morrison’s to do a quick shop? Absolutely, 100% impossible.
This ghastly experience comes complete with action packed obstacles such as the ‘Trolley set diagonally across an aisle for no apparent reason’, ‘Pair of mums, parallel prams’ and the ‘Bloke that needs to stand four foot away from a tin of beans to read what’s in it properly so you have to stand awkwardly until he’s done, like when people take pictures in the street’ (Obstacle names subject to change).
There’s well over an hours worth of entertainment for the whole family in this one, dodging, dancing, footloose and fancy free. You can even get a bacon sandwich in the Cafe afterwards; unless they’ve run out of bacon, in which case they will categorically refuse to get some more from their own shelves, that’s not how it works, apparently.
*Bonus If you turn up and there are numerous Skodas or a Honda Jazz dropping someone off at the door (quite clearly not a drop off point) you’ve turned up on pension day, the absolute pinnacle of the Supermarket Piss About. Enjoy.
The Ghost Town (Fargate)
Do you remember the good old days before the Ghost Town? We danced and sang, the music played and it wasn’t eight quid to park in ‘The Cheesegrater’.
Have you been down to Fargate during the day recently? No? No one has. ‘Meadowhall is killing the town centre!’ Of course it is, it’s dry, free to park and there’s no trick or treaters/ old ladies who want to ask about your bowel movements in aid of a national supermarket survey. Town’s loss is your gain! Simply don a couple of bed sheets and you’ve got free reign over your very own ghoulish ghost town; what a pleasure.
A value for money treat (there’s nothing to spend money on) and literally minutes of fun for old and young alike, apart from the perpetually nesh; after all, what’s a visit to ShoeZone without getting pissed wet through?
Just the General Mundanity of Life (Any B&Q or Wickes)
OK, I’m running out of genuine ties to scary themes, but if you haven’t gone about your day to day life, realised how pointless it all is and shit yourself (not literally of course), at least once, you’ve never lived.
This morning, before I started writing this for a little bit of ‘excitement’, I found myself discussing publicly with my wife, the pros and cons of three different laminate floor swiffer-mop things. One had an integrated bottle and a trigger handle so you could spray the floor as you swept, ‘Genius!’ I said, ‘You won’t fill it up!’ she said, ‘Is this what you envisaged at 29?’ I said, ‘I want a divorce’ she said. I made the last sentence up, but you get the gist.*
Life, no matter whether you’re from Sheffield, Rotherham, Doncaster or even L**ds is absolutely the scariest thing in the world and not for the reasons of monsters, ghosts and mad axe-men, it’s the swiffer mops and the ‘which bathroom blinds look best’ that get you in the end.
Overall, a generally expensive Halloween experience but perfect for sharing with family & friends. Would recommend.
*Although I was planning on spinning out the floor mop thing for another three or four months, I’ll end it here and let you all know, we decided the one we had at home already was perfectly adequate, it just needed the end bit washing. Quite sad really, still, could be worse, we could’ve read about someone else’s swiffer-mop endeavours online.
SAW: ‘I Want To Play A Game’ (Ikea Sheffield)
Recreate one of the most iconic horror films of all time; Saw, right on your doorstep at Ikea Sheffield. Much like the film franchise, Ikea just goes on and on and on; ideal environs for getting utterly flustered, panicking and generally losing the will to live; Jigsaw would be proud.
If you have a weekend to spare I can’t recommend this highly enough, there is literally no way out and once you’ve seen your thirteenth Billy Bookcase you too will be crying out to chop your significant other’s legs off, or gouge out your own eyes for some light relief. If you make it to the kids bit, just after TV Cabinet World (I’m sure Ikea have a more Swedish, snappy name for it) you are a real hero and should bask in the Daim Bar glory that awaits you.
If you have a neurotic, weird kid like mine, this really is a brilliant family day out. Also, the cafe sells hot-dogs made with two, yes, read it right, TWO types of meat; pork and beef. Mixed grill, composite hot-dogs, what a time to be alive.
Over To You
If you are still reading at this point, I sincerely commend you. I switched off mentally about six paragraphs ago. Anyway, if you enjoyed this, don’t get your hopes up, my next bit of work will be severely disappointing. Seriously though, if you did, there are some share buttons below, all you need to do is click, that’s it, no passwords, no memorable information, nothing, just click and share; help me get more people reading, more site traffic and by a bit more work.
Offended? Inspired? Let me know in the comments below.
The next time I can afford to buy socks thanks to a sudden uplift in cashflow, I’ll remember you all. Cheers, Luke.